Without you
by AkatsukiNoZare
Summary: After ten years, Seijoh team members gather up again. One of them is missing, and a cheerful meeting turns into a sorrowful one.


Kindaichi knocked the white, spotless door twice and took a step back. He hoped they were at the right place, but no one came to open the door. He turned his head towards Kunimi, who was standing next to him, and tilted his head confusedly.  
"This is the right address", the other young man said after checking the message for third time. "Let's wait a bit more." They had to wait two more minutes before they heard noise from behind the door, and the handle turned.  
"Sorry that you had to wait." Oikawa gave them an apologetic laugh and greeted both of them with a nod. "Good to see you again. Please, come in, it's probably cold out there." His face hadn't changed that much in these years, he was just as annoyingly pretty as ever.  
"You sound like an old woman, Tooru", Iwaizumi's voice emanated from the other room. "Stop playing house with us."  
"Mean!" Oikawa protested and let the two younger men pass him. "I'm not playing anything! I was just being polite."  
Kindaichi couldn't help but chuckle quietly, and even Kunimi grinned a bit. Clearly these two hadn't changed a single bit. Years had passed from their high school times, and now it was time for the meeting they had made an agreement of ten years ago. Their Seijoh times were unforgettable, after all, so they couldn't just part ways after graduating.  
"Are the others here yet?" Kunimi asked while looking around in the small hallway. "Iwaizumi-san clearly is, but the others?"  
"Makki and Yahaba are, so only Kyoutani and Watari left", Oikawa told him. "They should be here soon."  
"It's a shame that Matsukawa-senpai couldn't come here, don't you think?" Kindaichi sighed. He really would have wanted to meet all of his senpais today.  
"Yea, it really is." Oikawa's shoulders had tensed a bit and he had a sad look in his eyes, which made Kindaichi confused. Had something happened between them? The only thing he had been told was that Matsukawa wouldn't be in the meeting.  
"You live far from this town, don't you?" Oikawa asked, putting his usual smile on his face. "I'm sorry we had to keep the meeting here, but since all of us former third years live nearby and even Yahaba doesn't live that far away, we thought that this would be the best place." They used to talk about themselves as they were still at high school when they were with this group, and it didn't bother anyone a bit, not even the 'first years', who were also over their twenties and clearly not high schoolers anymore.  
"Nah, it's not that far. 150 miles, was it?"  
"Ay, how long are you going to stay there?" Iwaizumi's annoyed voice made them move from the hallway to the living room, where the three men were watching TV to pass time. "Sit down. It would be useless to start gossiping now, when everyone isn't here yet. We should wait for Watari and Kyou." Iwaizumi hadn't even finished his sentence when the door was knocked again. Oikawa hurried to the door way more quickly than a moment ago, and soon the whole team was sitting in the living room, chatting with each other and telling the news. The one who had changed the most was Kyoutani, who had become a classy businessman. That almost made the others laugh, so huge the change was.  
"It's funny how we have stayed in touch in our own way", Yahaba stated. "I mean, even aside of that these two" – a nod towards Iwaizumi and Oikawa – "are dating, it's just like ten years ago. Kindaichi and Kunimi were at the same university and stayed in touch, Kyoutani is now Watari's boss – how unfortunate – and I have met Kunimi twice by an accident. But you have been here in your own bubble." He turned to face the third years. "We haven't heard anything of you. But it looks like you haven't changed a bit." He grinned and patted Oikawa's back. "Even this captain here is just as annoying as ever."  
"Hey! Don't get too ahead of yourself just because you were the captain after me", Oikawa warned. "I'm still your senpai."  
"As if anyone would learn something useful from you, Tooru."  
"Hajime, that's mean!"  
"That's the truth! You just overworked yourself, thank God these kouhais of yours didn't learn that habit."  
"Oh, right", Watari remembered, cutting out the arguing of the couple. "How's your knee, Oikawa-san?"  
"Same as usual", Oikawa answered, patting his knee with a half-smile on his face. "It doesn't bother me that much anymore, though. See, Hajime, that's something you should ask more often."  
"I don't need to ask that, I see the answer from your face."  
"As if!"  
"Hey, you two love birds", Hanamaki sighed, leaning on his hand. "Cut it out. We are here to talk evenly of each other, not because we would want to watch a family argument." The two fell silent instantly. The first- and second-years glazed at each other, surprised of Makki's words' effectiveness. Maybe even Iwaizumi and Oikawa had matured a bit, so they realized when it was time to stop.  
"You are right", Oikawa agreed, scratching his head. "Sorry. Hey, Kindaichi, you said you'll start at a new job tomorrow. Where are you starting at?"  
"As an realtor", Kindaichi told and glazed the slightly shorter man when he sighed. "Don't look at me like that, Oikawa-san. It's a good job."  
"But it sounds boring. Are you sure you want that?"  
"Says someone who works at a convenience store", Kyoutani pointed out, snatching one more chip from the bowl that was on the table.  
"Just as a part-timer! I'll get my studies to the end soon, and then I'll be a doctor."  
"A realtor is just as fine as a doctor", Iwaizumi noted. "You wouldn't have this house without them, you know, Tooru?"  
"Ya, ya, I know, Hajime", Oikawa sighed. "I didn't mean to trash. It just wouldn't suit me, so I asked."  
"Not everything is about you."  
"Hanamaki-san, what about you?" Watari asked to cut out the upcoming argue. How were these two even dating when all they did was trash each other? That was nothing new, though.  
"Me?" Hanamaki repeated. "I'm just an ordinary office worker." And from there the discussion went to the different jobs, their pros and cons and to the salary each of them got. Then it changed to a child-like dreaming of the future, and almost the whole time Hanamaki stayed quiet. That started to annoy Watari, since he didn't want to shut the third-year out.  
"Hanamaki-san, what do you think will happen in the next five years?" he asked, looking at his senpai with curious eyes. "I mean, we have changed so much in these ten years, but nothing feels that different. If we would meet again five years from now, what do you think would be different?" He saw Iwaizumi and Oikawa glaze at each other when Hanamaki fell silent. His eyes were oddly sad, and he stared at the floor for a while before answering.  
"I don't know", he said quietly, voice far from the usual cheerful Hanamaki. "No one knows. I guess everything would be kinda same? But you never know. No one can see to the future."  
"Getting philosophical, are we?" Oikawa laughed a little nervous tone in his voice. "You always avoid answering straightly, don't you? But I guess that's okay this time, since you are right. No one can predict the future." The strange atmosphere surrounded the third years, and it started to worry the others.  
"Hey, why didn't Matsukawa-san come here?" Kindaichi asked to interrupt the silence that had fell between them. "I mean, could we go visit him? It's not fair that he's the only one left out." Oikawa and Iwaizumi flinched, instantly turning to look at Hanamaki. The last third-year stared at Kindaichi, his eyes wide open, seeming somehow spooked. Then he blinked his eyes a few times and smiled. It was a smile that was used to be seen only on Oikawa's face, the completely fake and sad one, and Kindaichi felt like his heart was pierced and torn apart by it.  
"Yea, we could visit him", Hanamaki said, voice cracking slightly in the end. "Right, Oikawa?"  
"We would need to take two cars, but I guess that's okay", Oikawa murmured, looking hesitant and uncomfortable. "If you want."  
"Ya, ya, I'm fine", Hanamaki sighed and stood up. "We should go before it gets dark." Iwaizumi and Oikawa glazed each other again, and Kindaichi hoped that he could take his words back. Something clearly was wrong between Hanamaki and Matsukawa.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Kindaichi sat in the shotgun of Oikawa's car and stared out of the window. Kunimi and Yahaba were in the back seats, and the others were in the other car.  
"Is something wrong with them?" Kindaichi couldn't help but ask. "Hanamaki-san and Matsukawa-san. Has Hanamaki-san confessed?" Almost every one of the team knew that Hanamaki and Matsukawa had feelings for each other, just like Iwaizumi and Oikawa did. "Did he get rejected?"  
"That's not exactly the state", Oikawa sighed. "You'll see soon. It's no use of telling you now." The brunet's eyes were like two ponds of sadness, glistening in the pale moonlight. Kindaichi looked at him for a moment, feeling more and more concerned about the situation.  
After that they were quiet for the rest of the travel. It was quite dark already, so when Oikawa stopped the car, Kindaichi couldn't see where they were right away. They got off the car and met up with the others.  
"Oikawa-san, isn't this-?" – "Why are we here?" – "Does Matsukawa-san live nearby?"  
Hanamaki walked forward, leaving the others behind with their questions. Iwaizumi and Oikawa looked after him with worried faces.  
"The truth is that we can't really visit Mattsun", Oikawa said quietly. "And yes, we are at the church. Mattsun is buried here."  
The silence that fell between them seemed heavy and unbreakable. The second- and first-years didn't believe what they heard, they didn't want to. Oikawa's eyes started to water, and he turned his head away. Iwaizumi patted his boyfriend's back and looked ahead, where Mattsun was. He was at the graveyard, crouched down in front of a new grave. His shoulders were shaking, and even when he had covered his face with his hands it was clear that he was crying.  
"Mattsun got in an accident two weeks ago", Iwaizumi finally spoke. "He stayed alive for two days before passing away. The funeral was the day before yesterday. I'm sorry we didn't tell you right away, but his family wanted to keep the funeral small. Even we weren't there, just Makki." He closed his eyes for a moment. "Makki hasn't recovered yet, of course not. This is our first time visiting the grave, so please give him some time alone before you go there. It's harder for him than any of us."  
"And what comes to that confession you talked about", Oikawa hiccupped and glazed Kindaichi. "He did confess. Ten minutes before Mattsun passed away."  
"We didn't know Mattsun's state before it was too late to say goodbye for him. Makki called us about an hour after Mattsun died. We couldn't make sense of his words, so upset and teary he was. The truth hit us just like it did to you", Iwaizumi sighed. "We meant to tell you, but since we would meet each other anyway in few days, we decided to wait. It would be better to tell face to face, after all. I'm sorry this meeting turned out like this. But I ask you to stay strong, for Makki. He needs every help he can get right now."  
"You haven't seen him in ten years, so you can't tell, but he really has lost weight. I'm afraid that he can't get back on his feet", Oikawa whispered. "Right now, he's far from his usual self. He's broke."  
Kindaichi couldn't move an inch. Neither did the other first- and second-years. The first one to say something was Yahaba.  
"So Matsukawa-san is gone?" He tried to keep his voice calm, but didn't succeed.  
"I'm sorry I asked to go visit him", Kindaichi whispered. "I should have…" he couldn't finish his words, because he knew he would break to tears if he did.  
"It's nothing", Iwaizumi sighed. "We would have told anyway. Mattsun is gone, and there's nothing we can do about it." Despite his harsh sounding words, Kindaichi saw tears in his eyes. "He will remain in our memories forever, but now we have to think about Makki's feelings before ours." Iwaizumi headed to Hanamaki, while the others stayed still. He crouched next to his friend and said something to him with quiet voice, petting his back softly.  
"I need you all to know something", Oikawa said turning to face his former underclassmen. "You didn't say anything wrong today. Some things may have made Makki uncomfortable, but there's no helping it. So if any of you is blaming themselves of that Makki is crying right now, snap it out. Especially you, Kindaichi, and you, Watari. Every single thing will remind him of Mattsun for a while, so there's no point in avoiding it. And when you get back home, don't worry yourselves too much. We will take care of Makki. It may sound harsh, but bear with this feeling a little longer, and don't grieve. Not now when Makki needs our support, and not alone. Learn to live with this by your friends' support. There's no way we could forget Mattsun, despite that you hadn't seen him in ten years. You are grown-up men right now, so straighten up your backs and move forward."  
Kindaichi adored the way Iwaizumi and Oikawa kept themselves together. He didn't know if he could have done that in their states. For them, Matsukawa had been part of their daily lives, but for the others it has been already ten years without him. Those ten years were the reason Kindaichi could now fight the tears and keep himself together.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"Do you think they will be okay?" Oikawa asked and plopped to the couch. It has been a few hours since the others left, and only Makki was left at Oikawa and Iwaizumi's. He was already sleeping in the bedroom. Neither Oikawa nor Iwaizumi wanted to leave their friend alone now, so Hanamaki would be staying over for a while. He got to sleep in the bedroom while Oikawa and Iwaizumi slept in the living room. They had to do everything possible to make Makki sleep well.  
"They will", Iwaizumi answered instantly. "They are grown men, and they have each other and their families. After all, Mattsun wasn't that near friend to them. He was just a senpai from high school", he continued. "No matter how good memories they have from Seijoh times, there is no way that this could break them."  
"You are right, as usual", Oikawa sighed and fell on his back to the couch. "The only problem here is Makki."  
"Yea", Iwaizumi muttered and sat next to his boyfriend. "I never thought anything would break him like this. I wonder if I would be the same if you died."  
"Hajime, that's depressing", Oikawa huffed but then hugged the shorter brunet. "I'm not going anywhere. Neither are you. We have to focus on Makki now and leave those thoughts behind."  
"I know", Iwaizumi answered and leaned his head to Oikawa's shoulder. "He's going to work tomorrow, right? Shouldn't he keep a few days off?"  
"He said it's better for him to go. He gets something to do, so I hope he won't think too much then."

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

The hopes scattered, when Makki came home early. He hadn't gotten anything done in work, just stared blankly at the documents, so his boss sent him home. The next day wasn't different. Neither the next one. Iwaizumi and Oikawa tried their best to cheer him up, but nothing helped. He didn't eat properly no matter how many times Iwaizumi told him to, and the bags under his eyes grew bigger and darker day by day. The only one who could make him happy again was Matsukawa, and he was gone.  
"Makki, the food is ready", Iwaizumi called out. "And no, you won't skip it this time."  
"As you say, mom", the other man sighed sarcastically, standing up from the armchair and shuffling to the kitchen, where Oikawa had already set the table. They sat in silence, Makki staring at his plate with blank, slightly disgusted eyes. He clearly didn't have any appetite. He ran his fingers on the edge of his coffee cup, not touching his food. Iwaizumi felt like he was raising a teenager.  
"Makki, eat your-" Iwaizumi's voice seemed to spook Hanamaki, he flinched and spilled a little bit of his coffee on his hoodie.  
"Fuck", he muttered and was going to stand up, but Iwaizumi waved him to stay still.  
"Give it to me", he demanded, referring to the hoodie. "I'll get you another one. You should eat."  
"No, I can get one myself", Makki insisted, but Iwaizumi didn't want to let him stand up from the table. He was sure that Makki wouldn't come back to eat if he left now. He probably would just fake to fall asleep while changing his shirt or something.  
"No you don't", Iwaizumi stated. "I'm serious, Makki, you should eat your food. You are behaving like a child now."  
"I'll just go change and come back."  
"Give it to me", Iwaizumi repeated. He didn't really know if he was being the childish one, but he really didn't want Makki to skip lunch again. "It's pretty warm to keep a hoodie on anyway. I'll just put it to the soaper right away so the stain doesn't remain in it."  
"I can put it there-"  
"Stop", Iwaizumi cut him short. "You have given us a thousand of reasons to leave the table already. We have let you, since you are an independent man, but this is the limit. We will call to the hospital if you keep this up."  
"It's not that!" Makki snapped. "I would come back and eat, for real, stop pretending to be my mom!"  
"What is it then?" the other brunet asked, voice low and demanding. "Is there a reason you can't take your hoodie off in front of us?" Makki froze completely, and Iwaizumi gritted his teeth. He had been afraid of this.  
"Show me your arms", he demanded.  
"It's nothing like-"  
"Now, Makki!" Iwaizumi snarled. "Show me your fucking _wrists_!" This was the point when Oikawa seemed to understand what was going on, and he turned his head to look at Makki, who was staring at the floor.  
"I will not let you hurt yourself anymore", Iwaizumi said. "Please, Makki, be honest with us. Show us your wrists."  
"If you already know there is no point in showing!" Makki snapped and made Iwaizumi and Oikawa flinch. "Stop urging me! It's not your problem!"  
"And how the fuck is it not my problem?" Iwaizumi huffed. "You are my friend. Please, Makki, show us so we can help! I don't want to force you." It looked like Makki was about to break down again, and Oikawa didn't really know if he should tell Iwaizumi to stop or not. This wasn't probably the best way to talk about this, he knew it wasn't. Still, Oikawa couldn't think of a way to cut this out. Makki took a shaky breath, pulled his sleeves back and slammed his hands to the table.  
"You happy now?" he snapped. "Are you fucking happy now?" Both of the other men froze and seemed to forget how to breathe, when they saw deep cuts running through Hanamaki's arms and wrists. Makki didn't keep his hands still for long, and quickly pulled his sleeves back down. He crossed his arms, staring at Iwaizumi with teary eyes.  
"That was what you wanted to see, right?" he asked with a husky voice. "Are you satisfied?"  
"Makki, please", Iwaizumi muttered and leaned on his hands, eyes not meeting Makki's. "Don't do this."  
"Then what?" Makki asked, voice rising to a yell. "It's the only thing that helps! It helps me to forget, Iwaizumi, at least for a while. You could never understand!"  
"Yes, I could never", Iwaizumi admitted and turned to look at Hanamaki. "But this is serious. You can't do this, Makki, you should never hurt yourself! I know how much Mattsun meant to you, but please, don't do this. We can find some other way for you to feel better."  
"There is no way", Hanamaki snarled. "Tell me, Iwaizumi, what would make you feel better if Oikawa died? If you couldn't have confessed before you had only few minutes time left with him? Would you still go on with your 'it will get better' -bullshit? Huh?"  
"Both of you, snap it out now!" Oikawa demanded and stood up. "Fighting makes thing only worse." Iwaizumi didn't find the words to answer. Not only because of he didn't know what to say, but also because of the expression on Oikawa's face. In that instant moment Iwaizumi remembered. This was a topic that was really sensitive for Oikawa.  
"Hajime, I think you should let him be", Oikawa said with quiet, sad voice. "I know how that feels. Yelling doesn't help at all."  
"…Sorry", Iwaizumi muttered and leaned his head on his hands. "Sorry, Makki." Hanamaki didn't say anything to him, didn't even look at him.  
"You don't want to hurt the others so you just do it to yourself, right?" Oikawa asked and turned to look at Hanamaki, a sad smile on his face. The other man just stared back for a while, then nodded and turned his gaze away.  
"You didn't know this, but I did cut myself when I was younger", Oikawa continued with a calming voice. "In university and a few times after that. Only Hajime knew. It was because I thought I wasn't enough and couldn't get better. I felt useless. Your state isn't exactly the same, but I can somehow relate to the feeling you have. But it's wrong, Makki. It's okay to hurt others, too, if you feel like it and they are fine with it. I realized that with Hajime's support. It's okay to feel bad, it's okay to let it out. Just don't hurt yourself anymore. That is something you can never take back, a habit that shows up after every mistake you make. Trust me, Makki, you want to get out while you somehow still can. Mattsun was really important to you, and I admit that I would probably do the same as you if Hajime died. But you have to understand that you still have us. I'm not saying that we could replace Mattsun, but we can help you to deal with the pain." Iwaizumi thanked every single one of the gods that Oikawa had been their captain in high school. He knew how to talk and calm others down, and everyone listened to him even when he was being annoying. At times like this that gift was something unreplaceable.  
"I don't want to", Hanamaki whispered, still not meeting Oikawa's eyes. "I don't want to make this even harder for you. I'm being a burden already. It's enough if I'm the only one to feel pain. Mattsun was the person that could cheer me up, Oikawa, you know that. Even when I want to get up and live like before, I just can't. Mattsun was with me every single day, I knew him better than my mother knows me. I'm sorry if it seems like I don't care about you two. I just…" He fell quiet and covered his eyes with his hands. "I just don't want to live without him." Oikawa frowned and tensed a bit. Iwaizumi started to feel nervous, but he didn't want to interrupt the conversation between Oikawa and Hanamaki. Oikawa had the right way to talk about this. Iwaizumi had lost his calm, so he couldn't do anything to make it better anymore. They had promised that they would take care of Makki, so there was no way they would just let this go. It was all on Oikawa now.  
"You are hurting us the most like this", Oikawa said. "You can yell at us all you want. You can throw and break things, act difficult and skip work. Just don't hurt yourself by keeping it all inside. I'm serious, Makki, letting it out really helps." Makki didn't answer right away, and Iwaizumi hold his breath, hoping that his friend would now listen. Iwaizumi had pulled Oikawa back up when he needed help, but he couldn't do the same to Hanamaki. He just had to trust Oikawa.  
"…I guess so", Hanamaki finally muttered. "Sorry. I… I think I need some sleep now."  
"Eat first", Iwaizumi had to say. "Sorry, but I'm not letting you go yet."  
"Ya", Hanamaki sighed and pulled his chair back next to the table and started to eat. He didn't say anything or look at either one of them. Oikawa glazed at Iwaizumi, glad that his words didn't make this worse. If Iwaizumi wanted something, he was pretty stubborn about it. It usually meant well, but this time it could have broken the calm that had fallen between him and Makki. The atmosphere was heavy and the silence unbreakable. It felt like any little thing would break the peace and turn it to a storm, which would leave behind only broken hearts and minds.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Iwaizumi whistled quietly while cleaning the shelves of the bedroom. Oikawa was at work and so was Makki, so he had some time alone. He felt calm and collected for a change. Makki seemed to be recovering slowly but surely, although he still put that fake smile on his face time to time. It has been now three months since Mattsun passed away. Makki was still thin and a little bit paler that usual, but Iwaizumi was positive that if they just kept being by his side and supporting him, he would be fine in due course.  
Iwaizumi raised the book Makki had left to the table to wipe the dust from it, and saw a piece of paper which had been under the book. He picked it up and was going to put it aside, but then he recognized it had writing in it. His curiosity took over the manners, and he sat down to read the text. It was definitely Hanamaki's handwriting, and it seemed to be written in hurry.  
 _"I don't know if you will find this or if this message will ever be needed, but I just needed to give you, Oikawa and Iwaizumi, some kind of reasoning. I'm glad that I had you by my side. You did your best and it would have been enough if I would have wanted to recover. But life without the one you love and the one who has been with you since childhood is just meaningless. I'm sorry, but I can't live without Mattsun. I'm so, so sorry that you have to go through this over again, but I chose the selfish way to end this. It isn't your fault in any way. Take care and find a better way to get through this than I did. I will "_  
The message ended halfway through, but it was more than enough for Iwaizumi. He snatched his phone from his pocket. Seven missed calls and three messages from Oikawa. Why had he left his phone silent while cleaning?  
01:12pm **Tooru:** _Hajime!  
_ 01:14pm **Tooru:** _Where are you?!_  
01:23pm **Tooru:** _Call me. Now._  
Before Iwaizumi could do that, he heard a noise from the front door. He ran out of the bedroom to face Oikawa, who slammed the door shut, turned around and flinched when he saw Iwaizumi. The taller brunet's eyes were red and tears were still streaming down his face, and he was panting like he had just ran the marathon.  
"Hajime!" he squealed and fell down on his knees, starting to cry twice more. "Hajime, I… We…"  
"Shit", Iwaizumi gasped and hurried to his boyfriend, grapping his shoulders with too much force. "Where is Makki? This has something to do with him, right?" He didn't want to hear the answer. He had an awful feeling of what it would be.  
"Makki's mother called me", Oikawa cried and buried his face to Iwaizumi's neck. _Stop_ , Iwaizumi was going to say, but nothing came out of his mouth. _Don't say it. Please._  
"We shouldn't have left him alone", Oikawa sobbed. "Makki jumped off a cliff, Hajime. He's gone." 


End file.
